Ahhh cougars, milfs, and sugar mamas. It's one of those relationship dynamics that is always there and always just on the edge of acceptability, and as today's ballad proves it's been a standard comedic archetype.
So today we are looking at:
To the tune of, I know what I know.
1634-1658 ?
A Rich wealthy Batchelour thirty and odde,
Had now a new crotchet crept into his pate:
A wife he must have, what-soever betide,
And well linde with Rubbish to inrich his state.
Faire Maidens were offerd him, two, three, and foure,
Sufficient Mens Daughters, with money to boote,
Yet his greedy mind did still gape after more,
For he said twas too little for him to goe tote.
His meanes did affoord him three hundred a yeere,
And three bonny Lasses had thousands apeece,
Yet for it and them hee a pin did not care,
Though one of them was to a Gentleman Neece.
Shall I for a paltery poore thousand pound,
A young wench goe marry with nothing but breed,
Consume me in longings, in fashions, and toyes,
No, yet it is time, and I now will take heed.
There is a brisk Widdow that dwelleth hard by,
In money hath ten thousand pounds at the least,
Ile spruce my selfe up then incontinently,
And to her Ile goe as a shutering Gest.
This Batchelour soone did attaine his desire,
The day was appointed when they should be wed,
His youthfull faire Bride was but threescore and ten,
For shee had but a tooth and a halfe in her head.
Some three or foure yeeres did this bonny Lasse live,
Then grim goodman death tooke her life cleane away,
And griefe for her losse had the man almost sped,
But that a new Widdow his journey did stay.
His wife being buried, next morning he went,
Another spruce Widdow agen for to see,
Where mounted on Crutches he straight one espide,
Who in state of riches was better than shee.
His Mothers smock sure did this Widdower weare,
For no sooner wood but he presently sped,
A Licence he fetcht, and he marrid her straight,
Then she threw downe her Stilts, & she hobbld to bed.
Not full ten yeeres older then was his last wife,
Was this same dryd mummey that lay by his side,
With snorting and grunting she aird so the Bed,
That never had Groome such a night by a Bride.
But still did her money perfume all againe,
And in a moneth after she bed-rid did lye.
Seven Winters and Summers she lay at small ease,
And then she departed because she must dye.
Five hundred a yeere she augmented his state;
Ten thousand pound cleare by the other he got,
Meane time of another spruce Widdow he heard,
Then he praid unto Jove that she might be his lot.
THis Widdow seemd not above fifty at most,
So spruce and so neat was her Carkas bedrest,
She wanted no meanes for to set her to sale,
They likt and were marrid, now marke well the rest.
She seemd so compleate and so comely of shape,
That he doted on her more than both the rest.
She said then sweet husband, be not you dismaid,
For the truth must be knowne when you see me undrest.
Two rowes of white teeth she tooke out of her mouth,
And put em straight into a little round Boxe,
A Glasse eye likewise she pulld out of her head,
Which made the man fear that his wife had got knocks
Her pouldred curld Locks that so faire did appeare,
Came off with more ease than a new scalded Pigge,
I wonder her Husband could laughing forbeare,
When he saw his wife looke like an Ostridge egge.
Then strait way down stooped this comely sweet Bride,
Unlact, and ungirded, her neat woodden legge,
The Bridegroome was like to runne out of his wits,
For his eyes ner before did behold such a Hagge.
Then for to revive him, unto him she flung,
Her Keyes that did lead him to treasure great store,
This made him to love her, so both went to bed,
Where he did imbrace her, what would you have more.
Such luck had this husband to tumble them ore,
That ere one moneth ended she changed her life.
A rich wealthy miser invited him home,
And said, if you please Sir, Ile show you a wife.
He showd him his Daughter a Girle of fifteene,
But she would no liking nor favour him show,
Her friends made the match, & they marrid with speed,
But she ner endurd him, I tell you but so.
This young marrid wife to such cunning was grown,
That she fell a longing his quine for to waste:
French Kickshaws of ten pound a dish she would have,
With other deare meats for to fit her fine taste.
No Physick, no Doctors, no cost did she spare,
On pride and new fangles she set her delight,
Her Husband began for to savour of feare,
And to wish that she ner had beene seene in his sight.
No love nor no liking this young wife ere had,
Because she was forct to be wed to her hate,
He sickned and dyde, and was laid in his grave,
So she did enjoy his three Widdowes estate.
A young man that first was this Maidens true love,
With all expedition they made their dispatch,
For wedding and bedding they both were agreed,
And the three widows husband did meet with his match.
As a single woman quickly approaching her forties, I have to give love to this archetype. She isn't the witch using dark mystical powers to capture her desire. She owns her desire both both internally and externally. While at one point she may have been the maiden blindly and hopefully romantic, she's now seen enough of the world to know that romance is never exactly as it seems. She's been married before, gone through all the bullshit and come out stronger the other side… the same as the final young wife does at the end. She has an understanding of the financial aspects of relationships and doesn't feel shame in using it for her power.
I actually watched a great Wisecrack video lately that I've linked in the show notes that does a great job of showing how much economics and ideas of worth still factor into modern relationships.
The Cougar carries this deeply sensual awareness around her, aware of the nature of sexual relationships and the nature of male desire, which gives her a power that can be terrifying.
Perhaps that's why society loves to mock it so much. Laughter is the fear killer.
You can't be afraid of the sexually empowered woman if you're making fun of the fact she's no longer young and therefore no longer "valuable."
Power and value are important here because while the young man thinks he's taking advantage of these women to gain their money, the older woman knows exactly what she will or will not put up with and exactly what they are getting for their money.
This is the same energy of "Like a Girl" by Lizzo.
So why the hell is society so damn scared of the Cougar? Is it because it makes people think of the Oedipus complex? So in case you've never taken any intro to psychology courses, the Oedipus Complex was cooked up by Freud and argues that every man harbors a secret sexual desire for his mother. It's based on the story of Oedipus Rex by Sophocles, which involves a prophecy at Oedipus' birth that he was destined to kill his father and marry his mother, which of course, happens as a direct result of trying to avoid it… which is just so typical of fate.
Anyways.. Oedipus Complex.. I don't buy this as a strong contender for why society seems a bit averse to older women and younger men.
Then there's the idea that it's because it takes eligible young men away from the marriage market for younger women, which is definitely hinted at here. It's understandable, especially historically, where getting your daughter to become someone else's concern was… well a main concern. However, it doesn't take into account the even more common older men with younger women dynamic. If there's a stronger argument here, it would be of older men taking younger women from young men.
This though goes back to a core element of historical marriage standards where a man getting married later was typical so that he had time to establish himself to the point of being able to support a wife and family. It was also important to get a girl married earlier in order to avoid possible pregnancies out of wedlock, as well as increase her chances of surviving childbirth.
I think there are a couple main reasons society really finds the Cougar so frightening, both of which deal explicitly with social power.
First, from the masculine side of things, it's toppling over the idea of the man holding the wisdom, money, and control in a relationship. An older woman has her own wisdom and experience, making her harder to control even if she doesn't have her own money. She's survived a lot of shit already and knows she can survive more.
A woman with her own money is independent, not relying on a husband to keep her off the streets. So, in this topsy turvy power dynamic, there's this sense of masculine power being displaced or destroyed.
In terms of female power, beauty has always been a key point of power. The more a woman fits with her society's beauty standards, the more value she has in the marriage market. However, a more mature woman, one outside of social standards of beauty who is still able to grab the attention of desirable males also grabs the ire of younger women who place their entire value on beauty and male attention.
I just randomly thought of Regina George and her mother from Mean Girls, and that is really close to the kind of energy present in this dynamic. The older woman is getting looked at as foolish and ridiculous as a way to cut down her power.
Anything that throws off cultural standards of social power and control is going to make a lot of people who buy into that very nervous. Hell, just scroll through the comments on any kind of beauty positivity social media post, and you're guaranteed to find the outrage.
Despite all that, it's important to note that all of this is changing as society begins to slowly embrace love in all it's forms. The Cougar-Cub relationship is becoming less and less of a joke because it's become more common, yes, but also, who the hell cares? We got way bigger things to worry about than who's giving it to who if you ask me.
There are of course, songs today about this, with Mrs. Robinson probably one that immediately comes to mind. However, the one I think of is "Fat-bottomed Girls" where Mercury sings the praises of Big Fat Fanny, who was such a naughty nanny.
Now, I'm going to leave you today with a cross-over food for thought because it just dropped itself into my head, but do we have any songs or stories that capture the cuckold-cougar-cub dynamic ala Pinkett-Smith? I mean, we obviously are into that kind of juicy scandal, but are there any stories that really explore it? Perhaps something that gives a deeper view into the whys?
If you can think of any, or you write one, for the love of God send them in and let me share. Those can be sent in to Bawdyballads@gmail.com or submissions@bawdyballads.com.
All that said, I give y'all a saucy goodbye for now, and as always remember to check the show notes and Bawdyballads.com for links to songs and additional readings.
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