Welcome back my curious lil’ devils, let’s talk fart jokes in today’s episode, “A bundle full of Farts”, where I wasn’t sure exactly how I was going to write up because even though we all know that farts are always funny, I wasn’t sure how to fill out the rest of the episode. I have two great ballads with fart jokes, but what else?
At first, I thought about talking about how this kind of low-brow humor is one of the reasons ballads still get looked down on in the literary community, but then as I looked up more about the history of fart jokes, I realized, that the history of fart jokes itself is worth covering because today I realized that the great Jonathan Swift of Gulliver’s Travels also wrote an essay titled “The Benefit of Farting Explained,” which he published in 1722. However, he wrote it under the just as amazing pen name Don Fartinando Puff-Indorst, Professor of Bumbast in the University of Crackow and Translated into English at the request and for the use of Lady Dampfart, of Herfartshire, By Obadiah Fizzle, Groom of the Stool to the Princess of Arsemini in Sardinia.
I love Jonathan Swift, and if you haven’t read any of his satire other than say Gulliver’s Travels as an assigned reading… go back. Read it again with more advanced adult eyes. I’ll admit that Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” was one of the works responsible for me switching from a history to literature concentration in my undergrad. I could teach so much more with essays like “A Modest Proposal” than just spitting out standardized historical facts in order to fit into a standard curriculum. That way I could teach all the ways people used story to make important statements about our everyday lives, and the overall similarities of our most essential desires and struggles remained the same throughout time and culture.
Right… getting away from myself… let’s get ourselves back to Swift, who opens this essay with the saying all little boys are really fun of, and that’s basically if you hold it in, you’ll explode. He opens with:
“A fart, though wholesome, does not fail, Thus gunpowder confined, you know sir, If barred of passage by the tail, Grows stronger as ’tis rammed the closer; To fly back to the head again But, if in open air it fires,And by its fumes disturb the brain: In harmless smoke its force expires.”
Now, tell me again that farts aren’t always funny. The language is super formalized and the kind we’d expect to find from a high enlightenment thinker like Swift. Yet, it’s still the same joke we all hear today.
I remember one of my best friends in school going up and down the bus, asking every girl if she farted… just waiting for that one girl to say no so that he could say, “well you better before you explode!” Que twenty primary-aged kids gut laughing at the funniest joke they’d ever heard.
In the south, there’s a kind of joke saying that southern women don’t sweat we glissten and we don’t fart we fluff.
The hilarity is that something so basic to the daily functions to all of us could be considered filthy, vile, or unacceptable. It is a representation of so many of the ways that society is just absolutely ridiculous in its attempts to make itself above nature.
Therefore, there’s something about a fart that just instantly humanizes everyone and takes the tension out of any situation, reminding us that we are all human and make mistakes. Sometimes a fart just gets out of hand, like most of our social issues. It’s this show that we all lose control of the one thing we are supposed to control, our bodies.
Mistakes are made, wrong words are said, sometimes it’s a shart.
However, a fart tends not to signify any serious illness, like vomiting might, which could also break any tension, but cause concern and not laughter.
Those trickster farts though, just sometimes make an escape, and depending on who they are escaping from, the funnier they are, and funny for different reasons.
If you have the everyman, Joe the plumber archetype who farts, well that’s just emphasizing his character. It’s funny because of course he doesn’t care if he farts out loudly… just so typical for such an uncivilized man. We can laugh at just how out of touch he is with what is considered “civilized” behavior. Meanwhile, the higher up the person is, when they fart it’s somehow immensely funnier than that everyman fart.
The laugh after a bandmember farting vs the cheerleader farting are two very different jokes, because one of them spends vasts amount of time to present a persona of perfection.
It’s that mask of prestige, that makes the all too human escaping fart even more funny because it’s tearing away the constructs of perfection and in that moment they are no better than the rest of us. Eating, farting, shitting, and pissing life away.
Swift knew that a fart from a lady was funniest, and that’s what he addresses. Now, I’m not going to read the entire thing to ya’ll here because this would get really long and there is a lot of historical satirical content that I’d feel the need to explain, etc, but I can summarize his argument…
He begins in a very serious tone to define what a fart actually is. He even uses the rather recent at the time, Boyle’s Law, which is about gasses to say, “The famous Mr Boyle brings it in as an example to prove the vast subtlety of matter, since a fart, which in the hydrostatical balance does not weigh the thousandth part of a grain, shall in one minute expand itself so far as to occupy the whole atmosphere of a large drawing room.”
He goes on to list a wide variety of experiments done on farts by early alchemists and chemists… something to be honest I haven’t thought about… but tell me they didn’t.
You’re going to tell me a bunch of dudes playing around in an earlier lab didn’t experiment with their own farts to figure out exactly what they were.
Of course, they did, we just don’t talk about it in school… but we should because let’s be honest… that’s how you get kids interested. Teach about Boyle and others doing experiments with farts to get kids interested in Boyle’s law to begin with.
Farts are funny… and the dichotomy of serious alchemists and early chemists like Boyle doing experiments with farts is too dichotic to not be funny.
Finally, after going over all the science Swift declares a “fart to be “a nitro-aerial vapour, exhaled from an adjacent pond of stagnant water of a saline nature, and rarefied and sublimed into the nose of a microcosmical alembic, by the gentle heat of a stercorarious balneum, with a strong empyreuma,*and forced through the posteriorsby the compressive power of the expulsive faculty.” It all sounds very serious, and not what you’d expect for the beginning of a satirical fart-joke book.
On to the consequences, Swift seems most concerned with the consequences of women holding them in, especially those of a “strong constitution” where ‘it vents itself entirely in talkativeness; hence we have a reason why women are more talkative than men”
I don’t know if the term, “full of hot air” was around at the point, but the idea is there. He drives the point home with the evidence of one widow Fartwell, who “having her posteriors much dilated and relaxed by a too frequent use of clysters in her younger days, she was so debilitated in her retentive faculty that her wind passing too freely that way, there wanted a sufficient supply to set the windmill of her tongue a-going.”
Can’t be a Chatty Kathy if your a Farty Fanny…
According to Swift, all the mental health issues of females, from hysteria to being an idle gossip could all be solved by farting.
God I love satire. It leaves so much to be unpicked.
He goes on to his third point, which is to prove why it shouldn’t be illegal or bad to fart, pointing out that “the severity of that law was provided against by King James I; for a gentleman dying by suppressing a fart in his presence, the King had immediately written over the gate in capital letters this inscription: HERE ALL FARTS ARE FREE.”
However, my favorite argument he makes is “Its being contrary to custom is no plea, since the same authority which introduced hooped petticoats can also bring farting in fashion”.
It’s there that he really gets to his point… it is ridiculous to make something so natural shameful. By the end of Swift’s century, the U.S would use the writings of Locke to argue about individual liberties and freedom, and Swift is getting there here.
Finally Swift ends by looking at the benefits of open farting which he holds to be freedom from all the ill-side effects of holding it in, not needing so many antacids, but most importantly it would be “a great promoter of mirth, for I have known one single fart that made an escape raise a laugh of half an hour.”
It’s such a logical argument, presented in such formal language, and is just… I mean this is satire at it’s best, and I’m so in love with this essay I’m thinking about using it to teach essay writing.
I mean, how can something so natural be considered so bad? After all, even the most innocent of babies farts. In fact, there’s an odd change in reaction with a baby fart. The laughter turns to a slight chuckle, but the humor is overshadowed by the sense of cuteness… “aww bless he don’t know any better”. Funnily, not too far off how we would react to an everyman farter.
All this brings me to our first ballad today, “A Looking Glass for Lascivious Young Men” from between 1689-1692, which is a special one because it was one of the first gems I found, and that made me realize how much potential lay dormant in these oft forgotten songs because…. A bundle full of farts. Now ask if I’ve started to calling all babies bundles of farts… of course I have because nothing else captures them better.
Adorable but stinky. So let’s take a look at
AN Honest Old Man of late,
had gotten a Prodigal Son;
Who spent his Coyn at a mad rate,
as if it 'twou'd never be done.
His Father did pine away,
his Mother did mourn and weep;
These courses spoil'd their Mirth by day,
and rob'd them by night of Sleep.
At length the young Spark came home,
as poor as an old Church-mouse;
So threadbare was the silly Mome,
he could not harbour a Louse.
The Old Folks took him to task,
and Hoisted him into a Sieve;
Where they did many questions ask,
but not account he wou'd give.
They Sifted him o're and o're,
at last they made him confess;
And first came out a strapping Whore,
her name it was bouncing Bess.
This slut she had suck'd him dry,
of all his Mony and Wit:
Which made him now to roar and cry,
and look as he were besh------
They give him the other shake.
and out comes Eight or Nine more;
Which made them both such pains to take,
until they siifted a score.
Next comes a young Bastard forth,
at which the old Woman starts;
It was a lumping penny-worth,
a perfect buddle of Farts.
With that the old Man took heart,
and said to his frowning Wife;
Let's sift him throughly e're we part,
[si]nce we shall have Grandsons rife.
No no, then answer'd the Dame,
this one is enough for me;
For it wou'd be a burning shame
more bastardly Babes to see.
Wee'l Sift him no more for such,
but try him for other game:
With that they gave him t'other touch,
and forth a Lac'd Cravat came.
A pair of frings Gloves fell next
with Handkerchiefs Eight or Nine;
My son quoth they keep to this Text,
and we shall not much repine.
Then to it a main they went,
and roundly sifted the Sot;
When loe to their great discontent
they found out the Lord knows what.
A whole Magazine of Dice,
with Ninepins and Cards good store;
And after all a peck of Lice
came tumbling on the floor.
And that which was worst of all,
they sifted the Spark so long;
They broke the Sieve and let him fall,
and so I must end my Song.
There is a wonderful brand of Monty-Pythonesque tone of humor here. It’s not as direct satire as the next we look at, but it’s there. How many ballads have we looked at that deal with the aftermath of the actions of his kind of man? Dead women and babies everywhere. Meanwhile, he’s skulked back home knowing he’ll get taken care of.
I think we all know this kind. They go out and raise hell, knowing that mommy and daddy will take care of everything in the end. They disregard the chaos and turmoil they leave in their wake because nothing is ever theirs to deal with. They never face consequences for their actions.
At one point in the U.S if you were a young man of certain age, and were arrested, you could be given the choice of jail or army. Many would choose army, and that brings me to the next ballad, which is just pure satire. The ballad serves more as an attention-getter because it's that same brand of ridiculous humor. The battle of a taylor and a louse… the imagery there is just. Muah.
However, the end hits you with some beautiful criticism of the way the army recruited and then treated those who served under her. The date of the song means it was likely written around the time of the first Jacobite rising in 1719, which means they would have been asking people to sign up to serve, or if needed, just forcing them to.
So, now for another good bit of early satire that looks at the state of soldiers in the army:
A Taylor and a Louse,
Livd together in a House,
And betwixt them a Quarrel rose,
The Taylor he thought much,
And he owd the Louse a Grudge,
For breeding her Young in his Cloaths.
Says the Louse, I wonder much,
That your Malice should be such,
That you would turn me out of Doors,
One Time, you know, my Brood,
Was the best Part of your Food,
You was so damnable poor.
Deny this, if you can,
Nine Taylors makes a Man;
With nought but a Louse you can fight,
But was a Louse to turn again,
Youre such valiant-hearted Man,
Twould put you in a Fright.
So then this very Time,
This Taylor neat and fine,
Caught the Louse by the Collar Bone.
Said he, Ill let you know,
Before I let you go,
Whether a Taylor be a Man or no,
The Louse she gave a Start,
Made the Taylor let a Fart,
And unto him thus did say,
Do not strike me when Im down,
Thats the Trick of a Clown,
I prythee lets have fair play.
Says the Taylor this I grant,
That Courage I do want;
But the Name of a Coward I scorn.
Fight your best I do advance,
Ill give you Time to rise,
For your Speeches are not to be born.
Then the Louse stood bolt upright,
And made a bloody Fight,
Gave the Taylor a damnable Blow;
For he hit him oer the Nob,
Made the Taylor sigh and sob,
He knew not how to stand or go.
Then the Taylor got his Goose,
And he threw it at the Louse,
And gave her a Bang on the Side.
Says the Louse, Your Heart is weak,
For thats a Cowards Trick,
And now I will well tan your Hide.
Then the Louse got his Sheers,
And clipt the Taylors Ears,
And the Blood it run on the Floor:
And the Taylor sighd and cryd,
You would have thought hed dyd,
And said he would fight no more.
So now you plainly see,
What valiant Men they be,
Altho of there Courage they boast;
But let them once be tryd,
Hard Blows they cant abide,
Theyd rather have a pot and Toast,
If theres any Taylor here,
Who thinks I do them jeer,
Or imagine I do him wrong,
Let him take a Gun and fight,
For King George and Englands right,
And so here Ill end my Song.
All Gentlemen Taylors, that are willing to serve in the
Company of Capt. Louse in Col. Fleas Regiment of Foot,
let them repair to the sign of the Cabbage and three
Cucumbers, where they shall be kindly entertaind, and
enter into present pay, with a nitty pair of breeches, and
three Cucumbers a day Gentlemen Taylors,.
Now mind your Exercise: See that you march with a
full Body and an empty Stomach, advance your Needle,
cock your Bodkins, rest your Yard Wand, prime your
Thimbles, shoulder your Sheers, join your, Right hand to
the Waistband of your Breeches draw fouth your live Lice
cut there Heads off and fling their dead bodies to the
Ground, let the quick ones march by two and three
while the Drum beats Nit-o Nit, from the Right-hand
doubled to the Left, Triple File of Taylors; so march to
the devil.
I love the image of a louse screeching so loud she scares a taylor into a fart. Now obviously here, the louse is a metaphor for a woman, which would make the line about her children being most of his food when he was poor, a bit… dark, but then it balances out again with the imagery of a cabbage, which of course is full of fart connotation.
One thing we’ll see as we continue is that for whatever reasons, taylors seemed to be seen as the worst of the worst in terms of trade. There are so many songs bashing taylors. The closest modern day equivalent would be lawyers, but when you take into account the amount a set of clothes would cost at the time, and you had to have them, I think the transition is clear.
And with that let’s go ahead and say goodnight because otherwise things will start going far off track in adhd fueled rants on satire and society.
Next time we will look at wooing witty women… but as always, stay saucy till next time.
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