Well… I officially have myths of impotence in my search history, and part of me is interested in seeing what kind of insane ads I start getting. Usually, Google can’t pin me down at all because I’m always using it to check for plagiarism in student work, so all kinds of random shit gets thrown in… this is definitely an outlier.
Anyways… today we’ll be looking at sex and power… and sometimes the lack of it.
There’s no way to deny that power is intricately linked when we are talking about sex. It’s used for power over others, people seek power to get it, they abuse the power for sex when they can. Even in the most modest suburban home there are intimate power plays between couples that happen through sex.
So it’s no surprise to anyone that historically there was a problem with employers or masters taking advantage of their power and forcing themselves on servants. It’s a hidden archetype that normally hides inside larger plots, sort of saying… “oh yeah this happens.” It wasn’t uncommon, especially during large group gatherings where the wealthy would host dozens of people for well…. Shooting shit, that sometimes some rich friend of the masters would also take advantage of the situation.
Now, normally if the girl was lucky she’d avoid pregnancy and just have to deal with… I don’t know the trauma of rape, but if she was so unlucky to get pregnant or have someone find out, it would spell utter destruction to her chances. As a woman of lower class, she would be reliant on the father doing the right thing and setting her up with the child out of sight. Somewhat like Maria Marten last week. It was more likely she’d be thrown to the streets to fend for herself, which we’ve already talked about what happens in that case. Though the story of Sada Abe and her snip snip is a bit different, but was technically a master and maid story.
When I attempt to look up anything written on this story archetype, or even a list of movies and stories where it happens, the main results are all Wattpad and other Romance book categories. It’s still popular, though today it has a different kind of approach. In many aspects, Fifty Shades of Grey is such a story. The boss and the employee, the secretary, the maid, the power dynamic is still the same. It’s insanely popular too, and not just in romance novels. The boss/secretary/employee is one of those tropes that appears a lot in films, including porn.
Perhaps it’s the naughty… not supposed to be done nature of it. It’s one of those things that isn’t exactly taboo like incest, but it is generally frowned upon as unethical. It’s why so many companies have rules against it because it does make it very easy and tempting to abuse the power. It’s why whenever Quid-pro-quos come up they tend to be sexual examples.
So instead, I’m going to look at a couple of ballads where the would-be seducer never gets his wants, though for very different reasons.
The first is from the late 1600s and is called A Dialogue between a master and his maid, which reads
COme hither my pretty Sue,
sit down by thy Masters side,
Said she these things I dare not do,
my Mistriss she will chide.
Thou know'st she is not within,
her Master he then reply'd,
But Sue she said to him agen,
I fear that my Dame will chide.
Dost think I would ever tell
that we do in Love reside;
Quoth Sue if she the Plot should smell,
my Mistriss she will chide.
I'll give thee a Golden Purse,
which thou shalt wear by thy side,
Sweet Master do not tempt me thus,
my Mistriss she will chide.
Grant me but the Liberty,
to handle thee like a Bride;
If this my Mistriss she should see,
I'm sure she would scold and chide.
Nay likewise he said to her,
he'd always be on her side,
I know you will not hurt me, Sir
but my Mistriss she will chide.
Thy skin is as white as snow,
my Love I can never hide,
Be kind to me, and don't say no,
thy Mistriss shall not chide.
I'll give thee a gay Gold Ring.
and deck thee with costly Pride,
As fine as Flora in the Spring,
thy Mistriss shall not chide.
Come hither into my Arms,
young Cupid will be thy Guide;
Let me taste those tempting Charms,
thy Mistriss shall not chide.
To love thee I am inclin'd,
nothing I prize beside
My Susan therefore be but kind,
thy Mistriss shall not chide.
Love let us enjoy the bliss,
but Susan she soon reply'd,
Alas! if I my Master kiss,
my Mistriss she will chide.
I'll keep thee from care and strife,
let me but lye by thy side;
Kind Sir I dare not for my life,
my Mistriss she will chide.
My Love thou art Charming fair,
then let me not be deny'd;
Kind Sir quoth Sue, I pray forbear,
my Mistriss she will chide.
He gave her a Crown in hand,
she readily then comply'd:
And did no more disputing stand,
nor fear'd that her Dame should chide.
Who hid her self all the while,
and heard their discourse beside,
At length she did them both Revile,
and vow'd she had cause to chide.
The Wife she did rant and roar,
and would not the Lass abide,
But took and turn'd her out of Door,
and vow'd she had cause to chide.
And did on her Husband frown,
before he could slip aside,
And with a Ladle crack'd his Crown,
and vow'd she would more then chide.
I think today this song would be closest kin to a bad sketch comedy bit… or a bad improve bit. The master is pressuring the girl, too stupid to pay close enough attention to who is around, and gets caught by his wife, who has overheard everything. She comes roaring out from behind what I imagine to be curtains, and goes chasing after the girl, throwing her out the door in a slapstick manner, which is only escalated by her beating her husband with a ladel… you know what it makes me think of? It makes me think of the landlady from Kung-fu Hustle. In case you’ve never seen this one… do yourself a favor. I’ve included a link to the initial Pigstyle alley scene that comes to mind in particular when I think of the end of this ballad. Seriously I just watched the last bit, and I’d suggest starting around the 3:10 second mark to get straight to pure landlady.
I’ll probably put on the full movie by the end of the day to be honest.
Anyways… now let’s look at a ballad where the master was just a bit too soft and smooth, and that’s The Kentish Maiden:OR,
The Fumbling Ale-draper Derided which is also from the late 1600s.
I Was a modest maid of Kent,
Who never knew what kissing meant;
Until my master tempted me,
With gifts for my virginity.
Long was I courted eer id yield,
And when at last he won the field;
He gave me a lawn kerchief fine
Declaring that it should be mine.
Likewise a golden guinea bright,
That he might lye with me one night;
I granted his demands straightway
What lass alive, could say him nay?
He was right generous and free,
Bestowing such large gifts on me;
Yet I did such a conscience make,
That I would not his guinea take.
My conscience said, it was too much,
To take for just one single touch;
And therefore when he laid it down,
I took no more then one poor crown.
The which he gave me then with speed,
And thus we lovingly agreed,
That he should have my maiden-head:
I got new cording to my bed,
For fear the old ones they should brake,
Which would a sad destraction make,
And cause a strange discovery,
Of all my masters love to me.
Clean sheets I likewise did provide,
Nothing was wanting on my side:
Yet when he to my lodging came,
Alas! he could not play the game.
Our game was single rapier first;
Now when he came to give the thrust,
A pass at me could not be made,
He having such a limber blade.
I bid him to his weapon stand,
I cravd no favour at his hand:
Yet he was forcd to sneak away,
Before the morning break of day.
Thus was my expectations crost,
And my dear masters labour lost:
Which grievd my very heart full sore,
Was ever maid so balkd before?
One sorrow never comes alone,
Soon after this my dame did own,
The handkercheif which then I wore,
Saying, That it was hers before.
Then did she fly at me in brief,
And told me I had playd the thief.
Your words I scorn, no thief am I,
Nor shall you catch me in a lye.
This hankercheif not long ago,
My master did on me bestow,
The night before with me he lay;
Now wheres the harm of this I pray?
The mistress flew, and calld her whore,
And by the quoif, the maid she tore;
Must you forsooth, my partner be,
Where theres not half enough for me.
Dear mistress be not in a rage,
You spake the truth I dare ingage:
For though all night by me he lay,
He could not one sweet lesson play.
But strait in wrath replyd her dame,
You sawcy slut you are to blame,
In letting him lye in your bed;
Suppose hed got your maiden-head.
Forsooth, said she, had it been so,
It might have provd my overthrow:
But he can never hurt a maid,
With such a feeble limber blade.
Man, if I didn’t know better, I’d say this had been written by a woman. Whoever it was, I love that he is taken down by his own lack of being able to get it up.
So, instead of going on about how much impotence is a huge economic force in our society, I want to talk about Priapus, the Greek god of animal and crop fertility, who was the son of Dionysus and Aphrodite. If his name sounds familiar, it’s because his name is the root of the word Priapism, which is when your erection lasts for longer than 4 hours and you should seek medical attention. So why is he relevant? Well, when he was in his womb Hera cursed him because Paris said Aphrodite was more beautiful than her, which is just so typical of envious Hera. Seriously, the ancient Greeks didn’t think highly of wives if Hera was their goddess, anyways… she cursed him to be always horny, but also impotent and ugly.
I know right… what shit is that?
However, the fact that his father is the God of drink and revelry, there is also a warning about what happens when you overdo it in drinking. There’s a reason that whiskey dick is a term commonly used, and it’s a moment most full-grown adults have come across at least once in their life.
So Priapus ends up eternally pent up… unable to release himself, which makes him perpetually horny. This build-up of unusable energy is one of the reasons he began to be considered the guardian of gardens, and became a very popular God in the country areas of the Greek and Roman empire. In the cities, he was more of a joke God, something to use to make fun of those who were unable to do their duties, which is odd because in all the images of him, he is mmmm at full mast.
Pompeii is full of his images, largely because it was also full of brothels, something not too many know. These images can be found easily, but in case you are more curious, I’ve linked the Wikipedia on the dirty Pompeii frescos where you will see not just Priapus images, but some of the other images that decorated the walls of these Roman brothels.
Obviously, be aware they are NSFW, but do provide an amazing study in human sexuality because some of the things depicted are still considered a bit on the scandalous side.
One story of him, in particular, reminds me of the ballads we just covered, and it’s really the main one. It’s where he tries to sneak up on a nymph of the woods to have his way with her, but her donkey or ass, screamed out waking her. Which in many ways reminds me of the braying done by both wives in discovering their husband’s sad attempts. These wives also link into Hera preventing her husband from cheating, something Hera only wished she could do.
In some stories, Priapus kills the donkey, and that is why donkeys were traditionally sacrificed to him, but I think it has more to do with his agricultural nature. Donkeys are an essential part of any small family farm. Not only are they able to carry supplies, but they are also highly protective and loyal, and today they are still used to protect herds, especially goats. There are plenty of occasions where donkeys have killed wild dogs and coyotes to protect the herd.
So what did men back in the day do to combat such issues? In ancient Greece and Rome they would do things involving penis like animals, or animals that had links to virility. Such as eating snakes, which in the list of things done, is not that insane. In the 1200’s friar Albertus Magnus, wrote “If a wolf’s penis is roasted in an oven, cut into small pieces, and a small portion of this is chewed, the consumer will experience an immediate yen for sexual intercourse.”
In between then and now, all kinds of things were put forward including eating sparrows and starfish to various herbal balms and remedies. There was also lots of eating of the penis of other powerful animals. Ideas that still power the predatory poacher market of animals such as the rhino, whose horn is still considered a cure in parts of the world.
I think one of the most notable was Frederick Hollick who in the 1700s asserted that cannabis was the cure, as it restored desire and had no after effects. Let’s be honest, of all the crazy solutions, this one probably had at least a chance of helping, especially if the cause was mental, such as performance anxiety.
Now, while researching all of this, I also found out that Viagra was approved by the FDA on my birthday, but I’m not telling you which one, because secrets…
Anyways, as always, all my sources are linked in the show notes if you want to learn more, but that’s all I have for you all today, so I hope to see you next time, and until then… stay saucy.
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